A while back, my wife, in-laws, and I went on a vacation to Cripple Creek, Colorado. One morning, we chose to have breakfast at a new restaurant that had recently opened, not far from where we were staying. We were seated in a booth, and it wasn’t long before our waitress arrived to take our order. But instead of the usual friendly greeting, she was noticeably cold and rude. This caught me off guard and filled my mind with negative thoughts.
At that moment, my father-in-law warmly smiled at the waitress and inquired about how she was doing. “I’m not doing well,” she responded. It turned out her brother was in critical condition in the hospital, and she couldn’t take time off work to go see him. That was a revelation I hadn’t anticipated, and it made me regret my initial judgments about her.
After listening to her and showing empathy, her mood shifted. This small gesture of kindness seemed to bring her comfort and added a bit more peace to her day.
The takeaway here is that in your journey to be a better person, avoid passing harsh judgments on others. Such negativity can grow into a life filled with unhappiness that not only affects you but also harms those around you.
“You shall neither take revenge from nor bear a grudge against the members of your people; you shall love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.” (Leviticus 19:18)
Negativity, the Cancer of the Mind
Studies indicate that negative events tend to have a stronger impact on our minds compared to positive ones. For example, it’s often said that you need at least five positive experiences to counteract a single negative one.
If negativity has five times the impact of positivity, what does that imply for our thought patterns? To be more positive and upright, we need to be vigilant in protecting our thoughts, emphasizing the positive over the negative.
If we become complacent and let negative thinking set in, it can easily overshadow the positive, turning us into more skeptical and diminished versions of ourselves.
Eventually, a heart tainted by negativity can lead to critical behavior towards others, like engaging in Lashon Hara. (Lashon Hara - or the evil tongue - is any derogatory or damaging statement against an individual.)
Judging Intentions vs. Actions
In ‘A Code of Jewish Ethics: Volume 1,’ Rabbi Joseph Telushkin points out that we often view ourselves more favorably because we judge our own actions by our intentions, while we judge others by their actions, particularly the ones that irritate us.
He goes on to provide a hypothetical scenario where someone fails to visit a hospitalized friend. Despite having good intentions and planning to go, they did not visit because they felt they did not have enough time.
On the other hand, if that person were in the hospital and received no visitors, they’d probably label their friends as inconsiderate and indifferent.
He goes on to say, “Therefore, make an effort to judge others by their intentions when their actions upset you, in the same way most of us judge ourselves when we have done something that has upset another.”
“If you see a Torah scholar commit a sin in the evening, harbor no ill thoughts against him in the daytime, for perhaps he has repented” (Berachot 19a)
A Starter Guide to Judging Others Positively
In her book ‘Soul Construction,’ Ruchi Koval outlines three mental exercises aimed at helping us form more favorable judgments of others.
In this article, we’ll concentrate on the initial step, but for context, here’s an overview of all three stages. (For a deeper understanding, I suggest checking out Ruchi’s book.)
- Beginner: Excuse the bad by rationalizing it. (Imagine the rest of the story.)
- Intermediate: See the bad differently. (See light when others see darkness.)
- Advanced: Look through the bad as if it were invisible.
The first step is to employ your creativity to offer someone the “benefit of the doubt.” After all, you usually don’t have the full picture.
Think back to my earlier story. What if my father-in-law hadn’t inquired about the waitress’s well-being? What if we had stayed silent and her behavior remained the same?
Rather than forming a negative opinion of her, like I initially did, I could have thought of a reasonable explanation to justify her behavior. Whether it was true or not is beside the point. The point is that we do not know what we do not know. Therefore, it is better to fill our minds with justification instead of condemnation.
When we choose to see the good in someone, even when their actions suggest otherwise, we create an opportunity for compassion and understanding. In this mindset, it’s more constructive to pray for their improvement and to wish them well, rather than to hold onto negative feelings.
Closing Thoughts and a Beautiful Prayer
To conclude, I want to share a heartfelt prayer featured in Rabbi Joseph Telushkin’s ‘A Code of Jewish Ethics: Volume 1.’ The prayer encapsulates the mindset I’m advocating. I hope its message resonates with you, altering your perspective on judgment for the better. May it help in your quest to become a righteous person.
Heavenly Father, Help us to remember that the “jerk” who cut us off in traffic last night may be a single mother who worked nine hours that day and who is now rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry, and spend a few precious minutes with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who couldn’t make change correctly at the register today is a worried nineteen-year-old student who is preoccupied with whether he passed his final exams and with his fear of not being able to pay for the next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary-looking “bum” begging for money in the same spot every day is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to realize that the old couple walking so slowly through the store aisles, blocking our shopping cart, are savoring this moment, because they know that, based on the biopsy report she got back yesterday, this may be the last year they will go shopping together.